The battle was fierce. At times Joanie could be seen standing alone, her disrupter rifle overheating in one hand, her phasor in the other, and the piles of cockroach bodies mounted around her.
As had been the case in the recent past, the insects attacked other vital centers of the colony, desperately splitting the defenders' forces. Joanie had called for reinforcements and in the end the bugs retreated.
Fresh guards were called to stand watch.
Captain Clair was injured in the battle and Smash ordered her to the ship to be seen by Dr. Kay. Lt Commander Antler insisted on accompanying her and Smash concurred.
The remaining combatants retired for a meal hosted by the grateful Madam President and her advisors. Over dinner they discussed their options.
"I think we should use the ships phasors on downtown 'roachville and kick some crustacean butt on their turf for a change," Joanie suggested while chomping down on a chicken leg.
"They are not actually crustaceans, Commander D'Goddess. Cockroaches are actually of the Dictyoptera order," Tom Bevan corrected. "Specifically those Dictyoptera of the sub-order Blattaria are commonly called cockroaches, which is a corruption of the Spanish word cucaracha." Bevan started to get a gleam in his eye as he continued, "in fact they are some of the most primitive creatures...."
Smash cleared his throat. "Uh Lieutenant?"
Bevan turned to face him and noticed everyone staring at him with faces just a little green.
"Uh, yes Captain?"
"Not now, OK?"
"OK."
"Steven? What do make of Joanie's idea?" Smash asked.
Den Beste shot a sideways look at D'Goddess.
"Actually, Captain, it has some merit. I had the activity on the planet traced and recorded by the computer while the attack was on-going, I believe we could find their nest with little effort. We send in a few spotters to lure them out and pinpoint their position exactly. If we could be assured of the ships phasors being operational and tuned finely enough to fry them and not the spotters, I think we could be done with them rather quickly."
"Engineer?" Smash turned to Chief Engineer Greyhawk, "could we have the phasors ready and tuned to be that accurate.
"Well I dunt know. Captain. That's risky business, y'know. Now a ladd like me might be a wee bit cautious when foolin' with those big guns Captain."
"Well can we or can't we?"
"Well, yes in theory, but ..."
"That's settled then."
"Captain, may I speak?" It was the entomologist, Tom Bevan.
"Go."
"I think, sir, that it would be a mistake to destroy this colony without at least visiting the site. The creatures are acting with uncanny performance. What if they are actually being controlled by some other creature with far greater intelligence. Might not the situation remain after we have left the planet? Might it not just find some other vehicle for its aggression, something ultimately more harmful?"
"Steven?"
"He could indeed be right."
"I agree. Besides, it'll give us a chance to pinpoint the exact position of the nest. Get the coordinates and we'll head out there in the morning."
After long hours of traveling, they found themselves in a desert. Dust stretched for miles in either direction. The small group of investigators and security people stood amid the vast expanse. Greyhawk had returned to the ship to calibrate the Phasors for the work ahead.
"Are you sure this is the place, Steven?" Smash asked.
"Why yes sir, the computers calculations were quite specific and unambiguous."
"Quite specific and unambiguous," Joanie mimicked.
Den Beste looked surprised.
"Did I misspeak. Lieutenant?"
"No you didn't misspeak," Joanie shot back. "I just don't trust those computers. I mean, look where we are. The Middle of Nowhere. There's nothing around us for miles. And I'm all loaded for bear with nothing to shoot!" She stroked the stock of her rifle sensuously, then leered at Den Beste.
"Just make sure you aim that thing at the insects and not at any of us," Steven quipped.
"Oh sure, bring that up. It was only a few colonists. They were caught in the crossfire. Not my fault. Beside if you and your damned computers were ..."
"That's enough." Smash broke in. "I'll not have my officers quarreling..."
A loud rumbling noise interrupted him. The ground began to shake. The group instinctively took a step backwards.
The ground erupted in front of them and a mound of cockroaches broke through the surface and climbed higher. When it had reached about fifteen feet in height, it stopped.
They waited.
The mound began to change shape. Joanie pointed her gun.
"No!" Smash barked, "not yet."
They watched as the mound reformed itself into a giant head with a large stovepipe hat. Bevan recognized the face first.
"Abraham Lincoln!?!" he whispered. "What the ..."
Then the head, composed of millions of writhing cockroach bodies, spoke.
"Captain Smash." the head said in a deep rumbling voice. "Your nest must leave this place or die!"
"Beam us up, Greyhawk. NOW!"
Captain Smash looked around him. He was seated in the Surprise's main conference room surrounded by his officers and the delegation from Beta Gamma IV. The cockroaches were not invited.
"Counselor," he said, nodding to Lt. Commander Howard Bashman, "Please begin."
Bashman and Lt. Commander Sissy Willis, the ship's Psychiatrist, began talking together.
They stopped, looked at each other, and began again. Then stopped. Both looked at Smash. Smash intervened.
"Um, yes, I see the problem. One should never invite a lawyer and a psychiatrist to the same meeting," he mused.
"I have an idea," Bashman offered. "For this meeting, I shall be designated 'Counselor' and Commander Willis shall be addressed as 'Shrink.'"
"I object!" Sissy protested.
"Lawyers object," Bashman pointed out.
"I should be addressed as 'Counselor', and HE should be addressed as 'Bloodsucker!'" Sissy's eyes flared.
"Ohhhh, hostility. Have you examined your relationship with your Father, Commander?"
Sissy leaped across the table and grabbed Bashman by the throat. "Examine this," Sissy grunted as she began throttling Bashman.
Smash stood.
"Doctor."
"Yes, Captain." Dr. Sondra Kay walked over to the combatants and grabbed each of them where the neck joined the shoulder and squeezed. Both slumped immediately into unconsciousness.
"Thank you," Smash said. "Please place Commander Willis back in her chair." Joanie did so. Everyone waited for the two to recover. Bashman was first.
"What happened?" he asked, dazed. "Dr. Kay ended your argument," Smash explained.
"Damned Vulcans."
Sissy came to, rubbing her neck.
"Wha--?"
Bashman pointed at Kay with his thumb. Sondra looked dispassionately at the scene.
"Oh ..."
"Shall we continue?" Smash said. "Good. Commander Bashman, please begin."
Bashman straightened himself. "Legally, we must support the colonists, for they are regarded as the officially sanctioned owners of this planet. Since the indigenous life forms are not themselves intelligent, they have no rights according to Starfleet regulations. And, since they are not intelligent, they cannot claim ownership. Besides this, cockroaches are considered pests by Starfleet and are authorized for extermination. The colonists cannot exterminate them on their own, so we must help them. We must kill the bugs," he concluded.
"Right on," Joanie called.
"But the cockroaches ARE intelligent. As a whole, as a group, they are sentient." It was Den Beste. "If they are intelligent enough to lay claim to the planet, then they must be protected."
"And Captain," entomologist Bevan put in, "these are not ordinary cockroaches. I have examined them in detail and there are significant differences. Specifically, they have a more complex set of signaling enzymes which may function in ways similar to the way human neurotransmitters work."
"At the present time, Starfleet does not recognize any composite lifeforms. They certainly do not recognize them as being sentient. Therefore, they cannot be intelligent for our purposes," Commander Bashman countered.
"What I want to know is how they knew my name and how could they possibly know Abraham Lincoln?" Smash interjected.
"There is no doubt, Captain, that they, uh, it, uh ...whatever, has psychic abilities. This explains not only your observations -- they read our minds -- but also the psychic attack on our ship. It may even be intrinsic to their battlefield tactics," Den Beste observed.
"And what are your thoughts on this matter, Madame President?" Smash asked.
"Well, my bias is obvious," she began. "We have lived here for three years now and it is our home. I cannot imagine packing up and leaving and then waiting for another colony permit, and yet, I do recognize their right to exist. I mean, aren't humans just an extremely well coordinated and tightly integrated colony of organisms?"
"Tiffany!" Michael Totten exclaimed, "What are you saying? You must be out of your mind. How can you sympathize with those ... those ... bugs!" Totten spat.
"Go Mike!" Joanie encouraged.
"Tiffany's right." Den Beste pronounced.
"Michael's got my vote," Blackfive said. And the participants broke into partisan bickering.
"Wait!" Bashman's voice boomed above the turmoil. "Captain," he continued, "we must not forget that this colony is the major supplier of dilithium crystals in this sector of the galaxy. There is an unprecedented supply here. No decision violating existing Starfleet regulations, definitions, or charters will be excused if they result in the loss of dilithium production."
A silence fell over the room as everyone considered this fact. There was no escaping the fact that the colonists would have to stay. But Smash was determined that this was not going to mean the destruction of the cockroach colony. Personally, he liked Lincoln.
"Dr. Willis, what is your input?"
"Captain, it is obvious that this is a sentient being of a type we have not before encountered. The law, as written, does not apply in this case since this is an unresearched phenomenon, no matter what the Bloodsucker says," Willis replied.
There was shouting.
Smash shushed them. "Doctor, please refrain from insulting the lawyer," Smash scolded.
"Yes, Captain," Sissy muttered grudgingly. "Now, go on."
"The creature -- I will call it that -- is simply doing what any sentient being would do when its' home is threatened: it attempts to protect itself. We would do the same. Captain, we must find a way to peacefully resolve this situation so that Starfleet can study this and the dilithium will continue to flow."
"Dilithium crystals," Smash mused. "Hmmm ... I wonder."
"Everyone clear the room," he ordered, "I want Chief Engineer Greyhawk and Madame Fuse to remain. I believe I have the solution."
Captain Smash stood on the wind swept plain, alone in the desert. He had come to talk to the alien intelligence that was a nest of cockroaches and resembled Abraham Lincoln. But they were nowhere around. So he waited. He had a workable solution to the problem. All he had left to do was present it and get their cooperation.
That was all.
No big deal.
"Have you come to tell us that you are leaving?" The voice appeared suddenly inside his head. At first, Smash didn't realize that he was in telepathic communication with the cockroaches. The 'voice' appeared to be his own. He was used to being only one talking inside his own head. He wasn't expecting anyone else there. It made him wonder how often the voice in his head was not his own. As a result of this, the question was repeated a number of times, before Smash recognized the situation.
He looked around. Nothing. So he answered with his voice.
"Yes, I have."
"Good, when will you be leaving the planet?"
"Well, we won't be. Not exactly."
"Are you playing games with me, Captain?" It was strange how it referred to itself in the singular.
"No, listen, I have a proposal that I think will solve all our problems. Will you let me explain?"
There was a pause. Then finally: "Why not? I can kill you at any moment. And from the sound of things, you will die today."
Cockroaches bubbled from the ground and formed a circle around him.
"It is a good day to die."
Smash had always wanted to say that, but deep down he did not really feel this way. He briefly wondered what Sissy would think about that. Besides, he could beam up in seconds; Greyhawk was monitoring him.
"On with it, Captain. I grow impatient."
"This planet, your planet, has a rich supply of dilithium crystals. We use these crystals as a kind of fuel in our power systems. With them we can power a starship at warp speeds."
"We care nothing for these crystals. Please get to the point."
"Yes, yes, I am. With these crystals, we can also power floating cities, uh, nests. We have designed such cities in the past, but they use a lot of power, so not many have been built."
"What has this to do with us?"
"Don't you see? We can convert the colonists' cities to floating cities so that they are 'off' the planet, without their having to actually leave it. We will restore the old colony sites to their original pristine state."
"Hmmmmm..."
"The only drawback is that we will still have to keep the mines open, the mines which are the reason for the colony. In return, though, we will be willing to use our technology for your advantage in ways that you see fit."
Smash stood there. The wind stopped dead. The silence was deafening.
"We accept your solution, Captain Smash. But tell me. You obviously had the ability to eliminate us, yet you chose to negotiate. Why?"
He thought for a minute. "Because I'm a bug hugger?" he tried in his mind. No, something more momentous is needed for the ship's monitors.
"Because bugs are people too," he said with a boyish grin.
Next -> a new Star Chores adventure!
